omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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