my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me