I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car