i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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