I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
