i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
