my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
