her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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