you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
