I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
