My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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