You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
