I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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