Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
