If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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