Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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