Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
