I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am spending my child support on dildos
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
