True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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