you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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