God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
