I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
