i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
