You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
