I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize