he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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