I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
