you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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