I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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