so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
