There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
