Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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