How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
