Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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