i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
