the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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