oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
