I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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