I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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