Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
