I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
two words...techno handjob
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
