I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
