I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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