I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I look better un-naked...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
