No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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