FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
