20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
