I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
