I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
