get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
