wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
