So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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