i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
