Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
if only i could text you this smell
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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