fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
