Umm I'm too high to move.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Randomize
