i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
