if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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