I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
