Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
